“He put his arms around her and drew her close, the word goodbye already on his tongue, but not quite out of his mouth. Holding her like this felt natural, like this was exactly how it was supposed to be. “Is this okay?” he asked, and barely felt her nod against his rib cage, when in truth the only thing she wanted to do was scream. To yell at herself to get her shit together in front of him, but by now she was used to the fist that seemed to close around her heart whenever they parted. She had always been too open, too vulnerable when he was around, and one word from him was enough for her to crack right open and spill all of her secrets, her darkest thoughts. Everything but one. The very darkest of them all. This one she kept to herself, throbbing at the back of her head like a constant headache. It made her wonder if it meant that they came with an expiration date like everything in life did, and the possibility that one day the confession would just burst out of her terrified her to no end. As occupied as she was with herself and with the warmth and closeness of him, his heart beating right next to her ear, she was blind to the flush in his cheeks, deaf to the way his breath hitched in his throat. Oblivious to the thoughts that were running through his head. Thoughts that were not so different from her own. The two of them ran together like clockwork and yet something had changed in the past months, taking them both by surprise and yet revealing something they’d known all along. Talking somehow became more difficult, because certain topics had to be avoided. Moving became pointless if it wasn’t to touch the other one ever so slightly, a brushing of knees that could’ve been an accident or a bumping of shoulders that sent their hearts racing. It turned into a competition of wills, a testing of the waters. It was walking on eggshells. One wrong word. One wrong touch, and everything they’d known would unravel. It was brand-new and exciting, but their friendship was changing, slowly evolving, and the knowledge that they could crash and burn if one thing went wrong was too scary to try it, too awful to even consider taking the fall. It was as though one wheel of the puzzle that kept them together was no longer turning. Something was always missing. Although they knew their way around each other, their surroundings seemed to be constantly altering. They knew what to say to make the other laugh or when to raise their eyebrow in irritation. But what did you do when you felt the other person get so much closer, yet slip away from you? It wasn’t a broken wheel or a roadblock that kept them from going back to how they’d been. It wasn’t an argument they’d had. It wasn’t her habit of talking without drawing breath, or his habit of picking apart everything she said and reading too much into her words. It was the weight of the unsaid things they carried around wherever they went. It was yearning for each other when they were apart, yearning for something more. But for now, both of them decided to keep quiet, unaware of the strange new feelings they shared. Unaware that if one of them was brave enough, that if one of them plucked up the courage to say a single word, things between them could change forever. For now, what they had would have to be enough.”
— unspoken feelings / n.j.
